Today I was supposed to have my one-month appointment with my nutritionist after she started me on the no-grain, no-dairy, no-sugar train 4 weeks ago. In the beginning of the month, I was counting down to today with the glee of a child (or teacher) coming to the end of the school year. As today got closer, my countdown became less about just muscling through the days, and more about the accomplishment (for me, major) of going so long without sugar. And grains and dairy, sure… But I was definitely anticipating the no sugar as being the most difficult.
Today, it’s been a month. And has it been difficult? It has. The first week especially was really rough. I was nauseous and headachey and tired. Throughout the month, if I didn’t plan ahead, I ran into trouble — and hunger. Dinner leftovers were a necessity, and so were the small bag of raw almonds that I started keeping both in my purse and in my desk. Almond butter, on the eat moderately list, became my new best friend. It was the creamy indulgence that I needed to push through some days. And avocados… high five, little guys. It’s funny because in the past month I haven’t thought about fat content at all. In fact, almonds, almond butter and avocados all have high fat content (healthy fats, of course), and despite eating them liberally, I’ve lost weight. But I was looking forward to adding some variety into my diet. I miss fruit especially… a peach, banana and mango salad sounds amazing. And watermelon… I’ve been seeing so many summer cocktail recipes lately, and watermelon has been on my mind.
Yesterday, my doctor’s office called to say that my nutritionist was out sick and that they would touch base to reschedule my appointment “sometime next week.” My initial reaction was dismay. I’d worked so hard to get to THIS DATE. And rescheduling next week meant an appointment even further out.
“But Matt,” I said to the receptionist, “Lauren has me on a no grain, no sugar, no dairy diet.” I paused, but he didn’t gasp in horror, so I went on, “I was really hoping to re-introduce some things with the holiday weekend!” Matt laughed, as though we had a mutual joke, “Well, no one here is ever going to tell you to reintroduce grains.”
I hung up the phone feeling cheated and discouraged. But it also made me question the entire journey in a different way. The quest for wellness is certainly a first world luxury, and it’s a booming industry. Depending on who you talk to, you’ll get different advice. This doctor or nutrition expert (or non-expert) will swear by going gluten-free, while the next person recommends macrobiotics, or flexitarian or paleo diets. Detox diets, Atkins diets, juice cleanses and never eat anything except free-range, grass-fed meat and organic produce. Some of that makes sense to me, some of it does not. How is a regular person supposed to figure it out when the experts, and I use the term loosely, offer such different solutions?
“No one here is ever going to suggest you reintroduce grains.” Hm. Then maybe this isn’t the right place for me, because while I don’t pretend to have answers, cutting out entire parts of the food pyramid (that ancient artifact) just doesn’t ring true for me long term. I may be wrong, but that’s where my gut is coming from, and since it’s my gut I’m healing, it seems wise to listen to it.
And yet now I’m not sure where to go from here. I feel a lot better these days, and my clothes fit better and my complexion is better. Better is good. I don’t want to lose that, but I seem to do best when I have hard and fast rules for myself. No gluten has worked for me, but I’ve often wondered if it’s the lack of gluten that makes me feel better, or is it the natural substitutions from pretzels to veggies and humus, the ability to say no to cake for a currently-societally-acceptable reason? No sugar is non-negotiable and honestly if I can do it, it’s totally doable (at least for a month). But what if I want to just occasionally have a piece of chocolate? How do I make sure that that occasional piece doesn’t sneak back in with the Easter-basket-raiding ferocity of my life-long sugar habit? It’s been a long and stressful month at work, and I did it without grains or sugar (or dairy, but that’s almost an afterthought). That should feel empowering, but I also know that part of the reason I didn’t stress eat my worries was because I had a zero tolerance policy. But that’s the old ship in harbor metaphor. That’s not what ships are for.
Up next: trusting myself enough to loosen the reins without giving up control of my direction.